My TV offers dozens of channels for films, arts, music and sport - most of which I’m familiar with. Less familiar is the far end of the menu where almost as many channels are the preserve of religious organisations wanting to spread the message directly into our homes. And there’s a lot to choose from - even if you limit yourself to an hour of your Sunday morning.
There’s a massive telethon for the people of Israel on Heart For The World. The onscreen clock shows there’s only 13 minutes remaining for you to join the many followers of world evangelism pledging thousands of dollars to something they will never see, purely on the strength of the suited presenter and his smooth voice and smoother hair. You can become a partner in prophecy, he tells me, and you will receive a blessing. The account you’re sending to is in the Philippines somewhere.
The Jewish Jesus is a channel after your money too. In this case the want you to ‘run with the vision’ and buy yourself a pack which explains everything about how the power of prayer can improve your home and business life. It’s just $52. It looks like something you could have thrust into your hands on any city centre Saturday.
Flip over to EWTN Catholic and the religious merits of Robespierre, St Francis and Joan of Arc are being presented in a dramatised debate complete with naff French accents, costumes, wigs and the set of Friends with a few crucifix additions. Ze arguments are simple like ze acting; what is hard to fathom is why anyone would ever want to watch this. I wonder if I’m the only one, but even that isn’t enough to keep me here.
Faith World TV is just as bizarre and equally colourful, but there’s no comedy here. The preacher here is deadly serious and his theme is the sin of anything but heterosexuality. The world, as represented by the holy temples of our bodies, is under siege from sickness and perversity battering down our doors. In fighting off this wave of lasciviousness we are armed only with an unending stream of quotes from the Bible. Plenty of nodding adherents in the studio audience. You would only watch this if you believed it and I don’t.
On LoveWorld HD the morning is based around a question and answer programme in which Pastor Chris sits on sofa which is part Louis Quinze - part Barbie surrounded by improbably bulbous flowers and a glitter slash curtain from Butlins. Queries presumably submitted by viewers lead to lengthy rants about encountering Jesus, keeping the Devil at bay and waiting for God’s sounding trumpet. It’s not unlike the gardening programme on the BBC only less believable.
I spend the last ten minutes of my telepilgrimage with On The Word Network where there’s a very imposing woman shouting from about six inches away from the camera. It’s hard to follow as she clearly has developed a way of yelling which requires no taking in air. Amid the calls for you to send money and hear the ‘Word of Gard’ which punctuate the endless stream, she appears to be saying the Covid doesn’t exist in the body and that Gard - through your donations - can and will spare you. If I allowed adverts like that to run in the papers I work on, I’d be up in court. In the realm of religious TV though, nothing is too outlandish or too plain wrong to be ruled out.
All of this makes the Sunday morning services coming from our local churches look low-key, slightly pedestrian and extremely reserved. And that has to be a good thing. There’s clearly a whole world of viewing out there, but while I still have control of the remote, that’s exactly where it’s going to stay.
